Circle of Pain:

Here's my interpretation of a pattern of relationships that I seem to fall into… These are my observations and therefore this explanation lays little blame on myself. Never-the-less, it seems to fit nicely, so whether or not this is denial, this is what I believe:

Here's me. Single. I finally get to be myself again -don't have to filter or censor myself to suit someone else's perception of what or who I should be. I'm happy. I'm free. -I spend some time alone and reacquaint myself with… myself. I like me. Wow. Its been a long time since I've liked me. It feels good, for awhile�

I'm lonely. I want a relationship. I want to choose underwear in my boyfriends favorite color. I want to surprise him when he comes home from work. I romanticize past relationships. Feeling so secure in lying in Darren's strong arms on the couch, the passion I shared with Steve, the great conversations shared with Dave. I want that again, I�m on the prowl�

I found someone. I'm cautious, but excited; he's more excited. We talk, we do silly spontaneous stuff on a whim. We stay out all night, I introduce him to sports he's never tried and we're both no good at. Its fun. Yes, I missed this.

Then it gets comfortable. This is the coasting time. We start to find little things that we need to hide about ourselves. My varied music taste annoys him. I don't dress up enough. I should do something with my hair. My socks are too silly. My bowling shoes are stupid. Why do songs make me smile and cry at the same time? Why do I always want to such childish/ weird stuff? I feel stupid for all my little quirks. I wish I could make him (or anyone) happy. Why do I act like such a child when I'm 25 years old?

Then it dawns on me. These silly quirks, my socks, my sensitivities, my shoes… they never changed. I'm weird. You fell in love with weird. I was different, and you were attracted to different. You liked doing new things, now you refuse. My ideas are silly. My spontaneity is not practical.

So, we start seeing movies. Once or twice a week! The rest of the time is spent idle -what do you want to do? I dunno… His eyes fall upon the TV, all will to live is sucked away �its easier to live your dreams through fictional characters. �Remember that scene in Office Space?

I don�t want my memories to be snippets of movies and TV shows or tales of friends� adventures. I need to live my own adventures �make my own stories. Experience LIFE!!! But HE doesn�t want to go hiking �its too long a drive. He doesn�t want to have a demolition derby with remote controlled cars �that�s silly. He doesn�t want to carve pumpkins �that�s childish. What do we do instead? (no response) -So I stop suggesting things to do.

I go crazy with inactivity. I feel trapped. Like a caged bird. I get angry at nothing and you think I've suddenly turned into a bitch. What's wrong with her!?! Yeah, what's wrong with me? Why do I feel so lost? So down?

I've censored myself to the point where there's nothing left. I'm lost behind the black boxes that hide my eccentricities. I'm ALL eccentricities! You hate that now. So we wait…

Wait… (and hope)

And wait…

Until I can't take it anymore…

I cry. I try to explain (too late). I break it off and immediately regret it.

I run. I bike. I beat the shame, the regret, the self hatred out of myself.

When I'm done I'm left with me again.

Free again.

Of course I can't leave this story with a happy ending… (I'm not in a happy mood) When will this stop? Who's fault is this? Am I picking the wrong guys? IAm I just too crazy to find someone? Is there any hope that Ed will realize what I need before its too late? Somehow I can't explain it to him�

…on the other hand, perhaps I just did.